~ October 20, 2003 - 1:33 a.m. ~
A Moonlight Swim
Before I begin, go check out chapter five of scriobhaim, and have a nice day. Other than that, here begins my tales of high schoolA Moonlight Swim
Author's Note: This story is true, to the best of my flawed memory. The names have been changed to protect the mostly innocent. The pseudonyms I have chosen are either derived from the person's actual name, or they are words I find descriptive in regard to that person. If you recognize yourself in this story, and note some discrepancy, please let me know. Thank you.
Em and Birk had been together for about five months by the spring of our freshman year. This involved two break-ups, both of which were caused by the facts that a) Birk was a completely manipulative and insensitive bitch and b) Em had the libido of a philandering dude with a mid-life crisis on, and acted accordingly. Actually, and I think everyone would agree here, if Em had a dick, we would all say that she couldn't keep it in her pants.
It wasn't the fact that Em and Birk were the first gay couple in our grade that made them a novelty. We went to art school, and over the course of the six years we spent there, about half my friends came out to me. Em was the first, back in eighth grade. Mason was the last in tenth. Actually, most of my friends came out in eighth or early ninth grade. We would tease Mason horribly, telling him that we all knew he was gay, he didn't have to hide it, we were his friends, most of us were out, and what were we going to do, kick him out of the crew? But no, he would protest that he was as straight as they came, loved the ladies, blah blah blah denial-cakes. Eventually we started telling him, "Look Mason, we all got the memo that you're gay. Did you miss it or something?"
"Shut up guys, I'm totally straight."
"Suuuure you are Mason."
Flash-forward four years. Most of my gay friends, all of whom came out in the glory years of the "Ellen" show, gathered us together and had pseudo- "coming out" parties, or, if their parents weren't as understanding, rounded us all up at Starbucks or something to break the news to us as a whole. Not Mason. I pick him up and we're all going to the movies, and we're driving along, and he suddenly turns to me and says, "Gina, I got the memo."
"What memo? I don't remember any memo. Did Em send an email?"
"No, no. The 'memo.'"
"Dude. I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. Who the hell sends memos?"
"No, Gina! The MEMO! THE FUCKING MEMO THAT I'M GAY!"
I started laughing so hard I nearly ran off the road. "Mason! I fucking KNEW that!"
But I digress. Four years earlier, and Em and Birk are our couple de jour, again, not because they're lesbians. Hell, not even because they're so all over each other that they've gotten several detentions this month for sneaking out of class to make out in the hall. No, because among our little group, our Crew as we called it, they're the only couple. As a force de deux, they sort of guide what we all do, because really everything we do as a group is just an extension of their dates, because we're all like fourteen and fifteen and none of us are really allowed (or independently mobile enough) to date date.
They aren't, for the record, our first inter-group couple. That, sadly, was me and Tech. Which really only happened because Em said it should, and we all basically did whatever Em said, and she set us up, and as a result when we weren't compatible, it didn't end well. In fact, it was really like years before Tech and I could be in a room and be completely civil to each other without hurling little poorly-veiled barbs at each other. At the time of this story, it had only been a few months. See, there wasn't really time to let things heal, because we were both part of the Crew, and we were always together, and neither of us was mature enough to just be like, "hey, lets cool it." We were fifteen, and we were too proud to be honest.
Dinah and Heart were not part of the crew. This is important. Dinah was sort of my best friend because of (as Bart Simpson would say) geographical convenience. Not that we weren't close or anything. We were, but just because we lived down the block from each other and went to a magnet school where we all lived spread out around a county that is roughly the size of Rhode Island. Heart was Birk's best friend because Heart and Birk both came from hippy households and had the same ideological beliefs, and Heart was sort of easy for Birk to boss around because she was a sweetie. They were with us that night because Dinah had really wanted me to sleep over her house, but I had really wanted to go to this party, so we compromised and went to her place after the party. Heart was there because lately Birk's mother had noticed the hickeys on her neck, and despite being the sort of person that had invited Em to call her "Mountain Mamma," wasn't crazy about her fourteen year old daughter practically having sex every chance she got. So she usually wouldn't let Birk go out with Em unless Heart was going to be there. Mountain Mamma figured that if Heart was around, Birk wouldn't do anything in front of her. And she was right, because that's how these things went. The Crew would all convene, we'd hang out, Birk and Em would slip away and go get it on, and just before we left wherever we were, they'd reappear, and we'd all ignore the inside-out shirts, the love bites, the disheveled hair. Hell, they'd do the same for us, if we were so lucky to have someone to sneak off with. We were fifteen, and despite what we might say, we were all horny.
It was spring. Just before spring break, or maybe just after. Near Easter, I remember, because that was the year I gave up meat for Lent and didn't go back, just became a vegetarian. I remember because we ordered Chinese, and it was the first time I had Chinese since I gave up meat, and I didn't know what to get if not General Tso chicken. Spring in Florida is really warm, but the nights stay really cool, and I remember we were all dressed in layers.
Em's father picked us up from school, all of us. Me, Em, Birk, Heart, and Tech. Mason was supposed to meet us later, Travis too. JennyBlues had homework or yearbook or something and couldn't make it. Linz would come if her dad got home early and could give her a ride. We crammed into the back of Em's dad's car, squashed in there with bankers boxes full of law files which we dropped off at his office. We ordered Chinese, with Em's army-obsessed little brother running around shooting us with one of his million toy guns.
We were supposed to go somewhere, I remember that. What I don't remember is where. The beach, I think. For a bonfire or something, some community event that was supposed to be really cool, like a beach block party. Nothing where there was supposed to be swimming, and this is very important because if there had been swimming, we would have had suits. But I think it was still too cold to get into the ocean, so I'm almost positive we were going for a bonfire party. Yeah, that must have been it, because I remember we weren't going to go to the beach until after dark, and it was still really light when we were done eating, so we decided to go for a walk.
Em lived in this one small gated community situated among many other small gated community inside one really large golf community. This probably doesn't make sense unless you know Florida, or perhaps California, or somewhere else where communities are planned instead of just happening. We hopped the fence out of her community and ended up on a gold course. High school kids in Florida, the ones that are too young to drive, that is, spend a lot of time roaming around golf courses after hours. Most of us lived near them, if not on them, and when we couldn't get someone's parents to drive us somewhere, and we couldn't hang around the house because of nosy parents or annoying siblings, we'd go chill out on the golf courses. I loved that sort of thing. I was fifteen, and I was into being esoteric.
Em's family had only just moved into this place, and she didn't know the lay of the land too well, so this was an expedition of sorts. We passed by beautiful fountained water traps, swaying willows, trees hung with Spanish moss, and pretty, man-made hills, all the while walking on soft, manicured grass. It wasn't long before we were all barefooted, glad to be free of the crab grass that lined our yards at home. After a while, we came to a road, across which was a small gated pool. We noticed that the gate was locked.
I don't think there was any real talk about the pool at the time, but I sort of recall that we all sort of . . . acknowledged it to each other, and passed on by. We crossed a field and other road until we came to a man made glen of trees, and sat down in the middle of it to talk. I think we were playing some kind of game, like a word game or something equally nerdy, until we broke off into conversation. Dinah and I talked about what movies we were going to watch later that night. Heart, Birk, and Em were talking about what color Birk had just dyed her dog (don't ask). Tech got sort of left out, but because he was sort of the prankster, wild-card kid of the group, we felt we could act all superior and leave him out like that, which was shitty of us, but we didn't care. We were fifteen and we were so busy acting full of ourselves that I'm surprised we had any friends at all.
Eventually, he tried to insinuate himself into my conversation, because he didn't really give a shit what color Birk's dog was.
Dinah: We could watch Rocky Horror again.
Gina: Ever since we saw it in theatres, I'm a little disillusioned.
Dinah: Come on . . .
Gina: How about Lion King ?
Dinah: But I own that and �
Tech: You know what you guys should see?
Gina: Shut up Tech. Dinah, you own Rocky Horror too.
Tech: No, really guys, its-
Dinah: Shut up Tech! Ok, ok. How about we go to Blockbuster on the way home?
Gina: Yeah, we could rent Sense and Sensibil-
Tech: That's totally a chick flick.
Gina: Fuck you Tech, we're chicks. Now SHUT UP!
Tech: Em, help me out here.
(Em was always very butch and all, and Tech and the others always treated her like one of the guys.)
Em: Dude, they told you to shut up.
Tech: Fuck all you guys.
And so on until dusk. When the sun had set and the light was fading, we went back to Em's house, were Em's mom told as that while we were out, Mason, Travis, and Linz had all called to cancel on us, and Em's little brother had acted up while we were gone and was now grounded, and she couldn't take us to the beach because Em's dad was called back to the office to work on a case. To compensate, she had bought us a massive quantity of ice cream, which we devoured, and then sat around in Em's room trying to figure out what to do with the night.
Tech: We could rent a movie.
Gina: Shut up Tech. No one wants to see whatever you want to see.
(As you can see, I was a bastion of maturity.)
Heart: Em, do you have to molest Birk right in front of us?
Birk: You know we just do it when you're not around.
Heart: Still, can't you guys go three minutes without getting all . . .
Dinah: All touchy-feely?
Gina: We should go out again.
Tech: Where?
Dinah: Back to the golf course? What's there?
Heart: Nothing.
Tech: Except for that pool. We could go swimming.
Em: My family doesn't have a key, and besides, it's illegal to swim there after dark.
Tech: Who's gonna know?
Heart: Shut up Tech, that's a dumb idea. What if we get caught.
Em: Actually, no one ever patrols that area, and it's not near any houses.
Gina: But we don't have swim clothes.
Tech: We could skinny dip.
Gina: Fuck you, you don't get to see my tits.
Dinah: Goddamn Tech, you're such a friggin' perv.
Heart: Ew, I am not stripping down in front of you.
Em: Actually . . .
Birk: Excuse me?
EM: No, dude that's a great idea. We should totally do it.
Heart: I am not getting naked in front of him . . .
And so on. We took at vote, which ended up three to three: Me, Tech, and Em vs. what Tech liked to call the Three Witches. The debate continued and we finally decided to go to the pool, and those who wanted to swim could, and those who didn't could hang out poolside. We told Em's mom that we were going back to hang out on the golf course and hopped the fence and were off.
It was not really easy to get over the fence to the pool, but we managed. Inside the enclosure, we saw that it was lit only by one small light on one end, and shadows played across the whole area. The pool wasn't very big, only 25 feet or so long, maybe ten feet wide, and just 6 feet in the deep end. All around the deck were loungers and sunchairs. The moon was conspicuously full. I remember because I remember thinking about that line from that movie How to Make an American Quilt where this one woman says she doesn't like full moons because everyone uses them as an excuse for doing regrettable things. That's pretty much the only line I retained from that movie.
We gathered at the water's edge, still fully clothed and shoed, staring at the still reflection of the sky. The bottom seemed strangely black, fathomlessly deep. It had been raining a lot that week, and the water level was so high that it was almost even with the deck. We stood silently in a line, just staring apprehensively. For a long while, no one spoke. I don't know about everyone else, but I was just thinking that the minute one of us committed to jumping in, the rest of us inevitably would follow, and then there would be no turning back. We all knew that if anyone found out what we had been up to, we were going to be in spectacular trouble. If neighbors caught us and called the rent-a-cops, Em's parents would get in trouble, and they would probably ground Em and tell all our folks what we'd been doing and we'd all be grounded too. I knew that I personally would be banned from going to Em's house for like three months if my parents caught wind of this. I was always doing things like this, running in the fountains downtown, allowing myself to be pushed into pools at parties, going to the beach in my clothes and getting soaked. They hated it. I decided it was an astrological compulsion. I am an Aquarius.
My reverie was shattered as Em vaulted herself in to the water with a loud splash. At some point while I was weighing the consequences of taking the plunge, she was stripping down to her boxers and her sports bra. The water she displaced soaked our feet and sprayed onto us. Tech was in next in his boxers, splashing us further with his cannonball. Heart, Birk, Dinah and I stood the deck, looking down at them as they wrestled. We looked at each other warily.
I broke the gazes of the other girls and shuffled over to a dim corner of the deck, kicking off my shoes. Dinah hurried over.
"You're not really going in, are you?" She hissed at me.
"Why not? It's nice. The water seems warm."
"But what are you going to wear?" Dinah was very big on propriety.
"Well, I got undies on, and a bra." I said, shrugging as I unbuttoned my flannel.
Dinah stared at me as if I'd gone mad. "Are you insane? What if we get caught."
"Look," I said philosophically as I unzipped my jeans. "I figure that if we get busted, we're gonna be in just as much trouble for trespassing as we are for being in the pool, so why not enjoy myself?"
"Well," Dinah interjected as I was about to slip off my tank top. "You should at least keep that on. You know, to keep covered."
"Dinah, the top is white, and my bra is black. It's not gonna cover much. Ooh! Except my belly fat. You're right."
"Gina, don't you think you should-"
But I wasn't listening. Instead, I was doing the most lovely and graceful dive imaginable into the deep end. At least, I'd like to think it was. I was no longer interested in Tech, not by a long shot. But I kind of perversely wanted him to still like me. He was the first straight boy I'd ever dated (that's another story), and the first one I'd ever been remotely serious with. Even though I was the one who broke things off, I still wanted him to see what he was missing. I was just barely fifteen, and I was cruel.
My hair band snapped the moment I hit the water, and I was never sure why, but I loved the way my hair flowed through the water around me. It was quite long then, down to my waist, and I took deep strokes through the water until I popped up in the shallow end where Em and Tech were still grappling. I spit water at Tech when I surfaced, and as he sputtered needlessly, Em took the opportunity to woo Birk into the water. For all she was willing to neck in the halls at school, and for all her hippy-free-love proselytizing, she was surprisingly modest, and wouldn't get in. She wouldn't even normally go swimming in a suit, but always wore a pair of umbros and a dark shirt. Eventually Em convinced her to go in fully clothed, and as they camped out on the shallow end stairs making out, I found myself alone in the water with Tech.
Clearly this was unacceptable to me, so I immediately set about trying to get Dinah and Heart to come in with me.
"Come on guys, the water is warmer than the air. It's really nice, just get in."
Heart surprised me by calling out to Tech," Hey, can I steal your undershirt if I come in?"
Tech looked at her, taken aback. "Yeah, go on."
"No looking," she called, turning her back on the pool to strip down. She pulled Tech's shirt over her; it was huge and covered her to her knees. Dinah grabbed her arm as she was about to climb the ladder in.
"Heart, you're not serious?"
Heart shook her arm free. "Oh for God's sake Dinah! Lighten the fuck up! It's just a swim." She submerged herself quickly before Dinah could say another word. I grinned up at Dinah.
"Jump in and have fun. You'll live longer!"
"Fine," she fumed. "Fine. But if we get caught, I'm gonna tell them you guys pushed me in." She hid herself in the darkest corner of the deck and returned in her underwear and oversized tee-shirt, which she had been wearing under her sweater, jumping in quickly.
It was glorious. The pool was heated, and we amused ourselves by chicken fighting for quite a while until Em and Birk complained about the splashing and Dinah whined about the noise. We all moved into the deep end, which had an "L" shape to it, to give Em and Birk more privacy.
Tech started chatting Heart up, and Heart, poor na�ve girl, was too innocent to realize what he was getting at and sat there on the edge of the water engaged in placid conversation. I had the audacity to be jealous, so I paddled out to the middle of the water and floated on my back, gazing up at the stars. I had a thing for Orion at the time, and I focused on the constellation, moving as slowly as I could so as not to splash. I kept thinking about how jealous I was of Birk and Em, even though their relationship was totally dysfunctional (see my earlier statement about Birk being a manipulative bitch), and I still envied them. At least they had each other. The song "Night Swimming" by REM had just recently come out, and I really wanted the romance of that song in my life so badly. I was fifteen and I was in love with the idea of being in love.
I remember that eventually Dinah swam up to me, and we both floated there, treading water in the middle of the pool, talking about how lame Tech was being by hitting on Heart, how Birk and Em's tonsil hockey sessions were wearing thin, and about who we wish we were playing tonsil hockey with ourselves. I remember we both sort of recoiled, all "ew" when we each found out who the other liked.
Our parents were all coming to get us at around 10:45, and at 10, Tech's watch-alarm went off, and we all got out. We had to air dry as best we could, and Tech kept trying to catch any of us girls "shooting bullets" as the expression goes, but we all kept our arms folded stubbornly over our chests. Birk suddenly realized how screwed she was because she was completely soaked. I justified my wet hair by coiling it into a bun and covering it with my bandana. Dinah had miraculously kept her hair dry by refusing to put her face in the water, and Heart's was so short that it was only a little damp by the time we got back. We decided to tell our parents that the sprinklers had come on us on the golf course, and that we were playing tag in the area, which is why we were damp.
When we trooped back to Em's house, her parents weren't really around. Her father was cooped up in his study, still working on that case, and her mother was wrestling her brother into bed. Em simply called up the stairs that we were home, she shouted that she heard us, and that was that. Birk changed into some of Em's clothes, leaving her pants behind. She planned to tell her mother that she was wearing the new shirt because of the water and the new pants because her pants (which she had made herself) had torn, and Em's mom was going to fix them for her. We all took blow dryers to our hair, and by the time parents began to arrive, no one really questioned us at all. We all vowed not to tell anyone about our "skinny dipping" adventures; Dinah didn't want anyone thinking she was "loose" or something, I don't know. She was really embarrassed by it and didn't want anyone to know. But somehow on Monday, everyone was asking us if we'd really all gone swimming naked together on Friday night. We were all about fifteen, and we were notorious gossips.
Looking back over this narrative, I don't think I've done the story justice. But I don�t think I can. It was incredibly magical somehow, and the illegality of the situation played a large part of it, so sitting at a computer and reading the story really makes you lose a lot of the magic in translation. But I can't forget how free and crazy and confident and in love with life I felt that night. How close the stars seemed, how bright the moon, how still and warm the water. I remember that I was the last to leave the pool, and, floating there over the deepest part, I suddenly looked down and realized I couldn't see the bottom and became terribly afraid. I paddled quickly to the side and climbed out, staring back down until I could make out the filter at the bottom. Then I dove back in, to prove to myself that I could, that I wasn't afraid, that, despite the magic, I wasn't going to be sucked down into the blackness, but could float atop, floating in the sky, amid the light of the stars. It may sound clich� now, but that's how it felt. It was a little like what I think flying must be. I was fifteen, and I was enamored of the whole world.
