~ January 20, 2004 - 10:12 p.m. ~
The State of the Union Drinking Game and Other Fun Ways to Spend a Tuesday Night
Since 24 was cancelled tonight to air the State of the Union address, Tim and I were forced to sit slack-jawed as the First Moron spouted his usual schpeel of propaganda and nonsense. Early on, I suggested that we play some kind of drinking game where we had to take a shot every time he said �terror,� �terrorism,� or �terrorist,� but while I was setting up the shots, he said it so many times that Tim and I decided that we�d probably die of alcohol poisoning if we went through with it. Instead, we heated up some sake and I sat down to address the president�s various issues with points of my own. So, Mr. Bush, if, by some strange twist of fate, you read my diary, please take note of the following points:
Point 1) Dude, there never were any weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq. Yes, the end of Sadaam�s regime also meant the liberation of Iraqis who were being tormented by the sick bugger. But when it comes down to it, he was a sick bugger who couldn�t get together enough weapons of mass destruction to fill my fucking kitchen. So quit talking about them already. Because you sound like a jackass.
Point 2) What�s wrong with Cuba? I don�t understand why we can�t trade with Cuba when we can trade with China. Is this because Cuba is such a pussy communist country that is incapable of retaliating against us, whereas China has the military means to make trouble? Is it just because China has more money to spend?
Point 3) Repeat after me: �nuclear�. Not �nu-cu-lure�. Jackass.
Point 4) You are not gay. If you are not gay, why the fuck do you care what gay people do? How do two gay people who love each other joining together in marriage diminish your own marriage? Are you that insecure? If you�re not gay, you don�t really have the right to tell gay people how to live, do you? Huh? DO YOU?
Point 5) JOBS ARE NOT ON THE RISE! Your stupid tax cuts have helped the economy, but have you noticed that this has generated a sum total of about three jobs nationwide? This is jobless recovery because companies are moving offshore and taking their jobs with them. I work at Barnes and Noble because of this fact.
Point 6) Testing is not the only way to identify and help children who are academically left behind. Have you never hear of test anxiety? Or fluke testing? Wouldn�t this give you all kinds of false positives and negatives on your No Child Left Behind Act?
Point 7) And while we�re on the subject, you talk a whole lot about education, but you�ve cut the arts from schools in favor of more time and money for football.
Point 8) You�d rather play on the moon than spend money on education. So stop pretending you care.
Point 9) Britain is a (mostly) democratic country where health care is universal and free. How do they do it? Why not ask your buddy Tony Blair next time you�re porking him up the ass, and then try it out here.
Point 10) You�ve advocated tolerance for people regardless of faith, ethnicity, gender, and age. But not sexuality. You sir, are a homophobic schmuck.
Point 11) You say you�re concerned about young people getting STDs, and you say abstinence is the only way to ensure that kids won�t get these diseases. But you and your fellow puritans� have made abstinence such a mandatory institution that young people are afraid to seek contraceptive and preventative sexual measures, so they are having unprotected sex. Why not just admit that teen have raging hormones and they are going to fuck whether you want them to or not, and you should just accept that and help them fuck as safely as possible.
Point 12) Marriage is not a fundamental enduring intuition. It is a ridiculous farce. Marriage as we now know it in this country is a fabrication of Catholic Church, put into place in the fourth century to ensure that mothers (who were not given a chance to work, another a Church mandate) and their children would be supported by the men responsible, instead of taking Church funds and living off of them. There is nothing fundamental about it. It is just a way to keep the Church money away from the needy and focused on pretty goblets.
Point 13) If you are worried about the people�s stance on marriage, put it to a fucking vote. If you don�t take that measure, then you are not worried about the voice of the people. You are worried about how threatened gays make you feel.
Point 14) It is obvious that you are aware that things suck with the economy, and you can�t do shit about it, so you just sidestepped it, and continued to go on about the same old crap you�ve been saying your entire term. And you are still too much of a pussy to say how you�re eventually going to outlaw abortion because you know that it�s a dumb idea, but you�re gonna try and do it eventually anyway. And on that day, I apply citizenship elsewhere.
Point 15) You blow. I hate you, you suck, and I will vote for anyone other than you, even if they don't have a snowball's chance in hell, just because they aren't you.
