~ July 23, 2003 - 2:12 p.m. ~
Mary Sue Maddness
In preparation for my LOTR fan-fic, I decided to play a bit of fac-fic madlibs, courtesy this website . Try it out, and then read my results. It's a riot. pAndi and I were playing around with it last night, laughing our asses off. P.S. I love how she starts out as her father's only daughter, only to sprout sisters later in the story. It's little touches like that that rock my socks.Chapter One
Principessa sighed heavily as she threw her velvet cloak to the floor. Feisty anger flashed in her black as a thousand midnights eyes. 'Curse you father!' she muttered to herself under her breath. 'An arranged marriage! How could you do this to me... your only daughter! Have you no care for my own happiness?' She flopped over onto her soft velcro-sheeted bed and glanced around at the empty room. Tears began to flood her eyes and roll softly down her porcelain cheeks. 'I cannot marry another,' she said in a voice no louder than a whisper. 'I cannot, for my true love is Big Vinny.'
Standing, Principessa walked solemnly to the window that overlooked the city of Bree. The sun was just setting for the night, casting a golden glow over the countryside. But the beauty of the scene touched not Principessa's heart, for it was saddened by the news that had been given to her only hours before. She was to be married to Tonto, who was a close personal friend of her father's. She had been given no say in this matter- it was arranged behind her back. And there was no turning away from it now. Tomorrow, she would leave for Mordor to meet her future husband. And the day following, they would be wed.
Principessa clutched at the windowsill until her knuckles turned white, and she wept bitter tears. How could this be happening? All her life, she had been happy and carefree, and now this trouble... What had she done to deserve such a fate? Slowly, and with the blur of tears still in her vivid black as a thousand midnights eyes, she paced about her bedroom. All she could think of now was Big Vinny, and how the news would break his heart.
They had met two summers ago in Lothlorien, when Principessa had gone for a ride in the country with her mother and sisters. But when Principessa had strayed off the path to follow an adorable baby dung beetle, she had become separated from her family and hopelessly lost. Then out of nowhere a band of orcs had appeared to attack her. By some stroke of luck, she happened to have her father's bad chili hidden secretly within the folds of her skirt. But though she managed to kill less than 12 of the foul creatures, she was soon outnumbered.
Then just as she though her life would be ended, a beautiful dream-like vision appeared before her. The deadly warrior who had come to her rescue, a handsome Orc, quickly killed off the remaining more than pi orcs with his sharp pointy stick before rushing to Principessa's side.
It was love at first sight. The moment she looked into his sparkling blue as the depths of the sorrowful ocean eyes, Principessa knew there would never be any other for her. 'My name is Big Vinny,' he said in a voice soft as the summer wind. Tenderly, he put a hand on her belly button to make sure she was alright. 'Are you hurt, my lady?' he asked.
'No,' she replied. In truth there was a bad cut on her left nostril, but she didn't want to worry Big Vinny. 'And my name is Principessa.'
'Principessa,' Big Vinny repeated. He said the name as if savouring the sound of it on his tongue. 'That is a beautiful name, fit for so beautiful a lady.'
Principessa blushed coyly. She could feel his eyes wandering over her body, from head to foot, as he took in the sight of her laying on the grass. In truth, she was beautiful. Unusually so, some said. Her father came from the line of Ents of Isengard, while her mother was born into a lordly house of Dwarves in Gondor. The blending of the two races came together perfectly in Principessa, giving her an exotic look that few males found they could resist. Large almond-shaped bright black as a thousand midnights eyes were framed perfectly by shimmering waves of thick red as a rose in the morning dew hair that fell to her waist. A M&M-encrusted mithril pendant hung ever from her slender white neck, accentuating the delicate frame of her collarbone.
Suddenly, Principessa and Big Vinny were interrupted by a wild cry that signified more orcs still lurked nearby. 'Come,' said Big Vinny as he hurried Principessa to her feet. 'It is not safe to linger here. You must come with me, and hurry!' Taking Principessa's hand, he hastened away from the sound. Principessa did her best to keep up with him, but the pain in her left nostril was too great.
'My lady!' gasped Big Vinny when he saw her lagging behind. 'You are injured!' Immediately he sat her down to examine the wound. Blood had already started to soak through her gown in an ugly red stain. 'I must tend to this wound now as best I can,' he said. 'We will find a healer later, but for now this cannot wait.' Without a second thought, he pulled off his jock-strap and began tearing it into bandages for Principessa's left nostril.
With this makeshift bandage in place, Principessa and Big Vinny were able to hurry on their way. The cries of orcs were ever-present behind them, but they ran swiftly. Soon, Principessa found herself in front of a small cabin, which she guessed must belong to Big Vinny. He held the door open as he stepped inside, beckoning for her to follow him. 'Come in,' he said. 'We will be much safer in here.'
Principessa took a deep breath as she stepped toward the cabin door. Here she was, a young virgin noblewoman, about to be alone in a cabin with someone she had just met. It was true he was the most handsome Orc she had ever seen, and he had just saved her life, but were his true intentions that noble? And what would her family, especially her father, say once they found out where she had been? Principessa had half a mind to run back home right then, but as she heard the clamour of orcs drawing nearer once more, she realised she had no choice. She steeled her will and followed Big Vinny into the cabin, shutting the door firmly behind her.
